Happy Chinese fucken New Year aka Luna Year aka being super fucken Asian one week out of the damn year.
People that know me know that i’m probably the most white-washed Asian ever. I don’t even know Chinese; i know more Spanish to be honest. I can’t even carry a damn conversation in Chinese with my own parental. It’s kind of sucky, but fuck, i’m obviously not willing to learn Chinese after 19 years of not giving a damn shit about it.
Chinese New Year can be the best and worst holiday, or whatever it is, for me and possibly a majority of Asians. I fucken hate cleaning around this time of the year. I am at the stage of my existence, where i love to keep my room spotless clean (not my car though), but i don’t want my mom to nag me about cleaning. I don’t like to be told what to do precisely. Last time, she told me to clean my room, and i was like just, “WTF bizotch!? I cleaned my room for the damn whole weekend, and apparently to your implication, it still looks like shit! The fuck bro?” I found it really offensive. But anyways, now i have to stay up or whatever washing all my sheets, clothes, and crap because i have to start off the year super-duper-awesomely-freakenlishly-clean.
Also, another thing that i hate about Chinese New Year is going to the damn temple. I’m not very a religious person frankly, and i only go for my parents, but dear lord, around this time, it’s like the worst time to ever go. First of all, finding fucken parking sucks. You’re in an area where it’s jam-packed with a majority of asians who cannot fucken drive! Do asians not know how to signal or always drive 2mph when getting a damn spot? It’s just fucken annoying and RUDE. Second, i fucken run into people non-stop. I love seeing my friends because i haven’t seen a majority of them in a while, but i prefer to not run into people when i’m obviously having a family event. I don’t want to care enough to make conversations when disgustingass strangers are pushing me around left to right, and i have my parents telling me to hurry the fuck up!
Third, the damn incenses burn my damn eyes! I have no choice about this or whatever; i have to get incenses and pray to the gods for me to have a fucken prosperous, long life; however, the smoke burns my eyes so badly. I want to cry thinking about it right now. Lastly, the most vile thing about going to the temple is the damn fucken stinkyass tofu. Whoever have smelled that shit understands why the hell i hate it. Sure, i love durian, which many people find it to be the grossest thing ever. But stinky tofu smells like a combination of a hobo that has shitted and peed on himself for 10 years (never showered within those time) and has rubbed himself with rotten garbage. It’s so damn bad that i fucken want to throw up on the vendors. I sincerely want to go up to them and ask, “Have you lost your sense of smelling or are you fucken drugged up to stand around this shit?
However, I’m not going to even try to be modest about it, but i probably only freaken love this time of the damn Asian year because i get money. It does suck when i do not get that much money, but money is money. If someone gave me a dollar, i would think, “Fucken cheapass motherfucker, that’s all you’re giving me? Fuck you, bitch.” But that doesn’t mean i’m going to give the dollar back to that person. Do i look like a dumbass that would do that shit? Finding a dollar on the floor on any day would get me all excited! It does suck that money means this much to me, yet i’m not going to sugar-code that shit; i have the balls to admit that money is fucken awesome and brings me joy. I remember when i was a little kid with my Asian friends at that time, and we would try to out-brag each other on how much money we got and spend it recklessly because we were fucken obviously we’re kids. And then, the Mexicans would be so damn jealous, where i’m sure they probably thought about jumping our asses to steal our damn money. I’m honestly considering doing that to Asians this year; it’s hard to be hustler.
The shit i do for money.
